The Project-Ruining Machine

We have a number of fascinating and useful machines in our shop. Today I wish to talk about a personal favorite: the project-ruining machine. This particular machine performs a variety of tasks but its chief purpose is to completely ruin your project at exactly the wrong time. Actually, it’s not a very difficult job. Sometimes you can even get it taken care of without a machine, but the machine adds a certain finesse. There’s something elegant and efficient about the way the project-ruining machine can turn a simple twitch of the hand into complete devastation.

When I was first introduced to the project-ruining machine, I thought “That looks remarkably like a belt sander.” I was, however, assured by my professor that while it could function as a belt sander from time to time, it was in fact a project-ruining machine. It has a remarkably intuitive interface: simply apply your project to the sander at the wrong angle (easy to do since there are so many wrong angles compared to correct angles), or fidget on your approach, or press a little too hard on one side. The only way to cause the machine to malfunction such that it fails to ruin your project is to approach it at just the right angle, without jitters, and with even pressure. Fortunately, even if you do mess things up and fail to ruin your project the first time, the project-ruining machine generally gives you plenty of chances and really, it only needs to succeed once.

If the belt sander version isn’t what you’re looking for, the project-ruining machine actually comes in a wide array of shapes. For instance, our shop has project-ruining machines that look like table saws, band saws, chop saws, orbital sanders, jig saws, milling machines, drill presses, lathes, and of course several varieties of belt sander. Once I knew what to look for I discovered that the project-ruining machine is pretty much the only machine our shop offers – one machine, nearly infinite varieties.

I have not quite got the knack of it yet. So far I have (mostly) failed to ruin my models, but I look forward to the day when I, too, get to hear that minor change in pitch, sense that brief twitch, and experience that tremendous sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I realize I have successfully used one of the project-ruining machines to nullify more than thirty hours of work in a single instant. What an impressive machine.