UGH, THIS TASTES LIKE COFFEE

I'm not a coffee drinker, I never have been. By the time I was even allowed to drink coffee, I had no interest in it (it's strange which of your parents' rules stick with you and which ones don't). I had friends in high school, and later college, who couldn't start the day without it. That just seemed dangerous to me, why create that kind of weakness for myself. Not to mention the fact that it tasted awful no matter what I put in it. So I avoided it.

That is, I avoided it until I started working for a construction company for my first full time job. Even then I managed to avoid coffee for the first six months, then I cracked. Not because work started at 5:30am, but because it started at 5:30am AND I was working outside. DC is not Connecticut, but it's not Georgia either. Working outside in the winter can be a daunting prospect. You can only do so much with layered clothing and still retain the mobility to scramble around a construction site (especially when you have convinced yourself they're transferring you to the office soon and it's not worth buying new stuff you'll just ruin in the few weeks before that happens). I turned to coffee for additional heat.

Of course, I drank it black. In my few previous experiences with coffee, sugar and cream had done nothing to help. So why slow down the process?

That was my one foray into the world of the regular coffee drinker and it did not last long for two reasons. The first reason is that coffee is a diuretic and, being on a construction site, I didn't have access to what we in the industry referred to as "plumbing." There was a plumbing-alternative, but it was not a pleasant experience.

As for the second reason, it took me a little while to pick up on this, but apparently coffee is a stimulant. The effect, at least on me, is noticeable. And by "noticeable" I don't really mean "noticeable," I mean "obnoxious." Most coffee drinkers start at Sluggish and transition to Alert. Nothing so subtle for me. I start to sing, to beat out tunes on whatever happens to be within reach, to talk much much much more (and faster) whether there's anyone there to talk to or not. It's not pretty. And by "not pretty" I still mean "obnoxious."

So I stopped drinking coffee shortly after I started and switched to cocoa, or even just plain hot water. Really, it was best for all.

There's a Senseo machine in my office now. It produces smells that suggest my objection to coffee on the grounds of taste may no longer be valid. The office conveniently has functioning plumbing that is cleaned on a regular basis, so that objection is gone, too. But that last one, that's a doozy, and as long as coffee continues to be coffee, it's not going away. Trust me, it's still best for all involved if I continue to leave it alone.