HOLLA, HOLLA, HOLLA

I like snowboarding. Once I learned how to turn left last season, a whole new world opened up for me and I loved every white packed inch of it. Enough to go get my own snowboard. The inaugural trip for this season (and my new board) is already scheduled. I have new snowpants, good goggles, a good jacket, excellent gloves, and a variety of hats from which to choose (and did I mention the new board?). Bruce and I (mostly Bruce) have also completed the work on our snowboard mix CD (I can say no more at this time). All of this is ready and waiting, and I still have two and a half weeks to go before I can get on the slopes. The ski resort webpage is still telling me the same thing it said twelve minutes ago and I am about to burst with anticipation if I don't find some other way to prepare for the upcoming trip. Of course, I already have an idea, or I would not be writing this blog entry.

I have considered every angle of this inaugural adventure and identified the one factor I and my cohorts have thus far overlooked: Battlecries. We have given serious thought to our gear, our transportation, and even our music, but not to our battlecries. While not absolutely necessary, a good battlecry can significantly enhance the skiing or snowboarding experience. Nothing makes barreling down the mountainside more fun than shouting incoherently while you're doing it. It really is the perfect accessory to a good careen.

Because I refuse to do anything simple when I can make it complex, I have divided battlecries (or hollers) into several categories. I have presented these categories below for your amusement and education. Those of you planning on snowboarding soon should pay close attention and think carefully before designing your own hollers for use on the slopes this season.

**Bravado** - aka The "Look Out World Here I Come" Shout
This is what you shout when you're full of zest and ready to conquer the mountain. Often heard at the top of the trail immediately before or simultaneous to the beginning of a rider’s descent. Examples include: "Geronimo!", "Let’s get this party started!", “Bombs away!", and "Hail to the king, baby!"

**Warning** - aka the "No, Seriously, Look Out, I can't find the brakes on this thing!" shout
This is saved for those occasions when everything is going to hell in a handbasket, you're not enjoying the ride, and you want people to know that they'll be involved shortly if they don't move a few feet to the left. It is very difficult to prescript these particular hollers, but improvisation is highly effective. Examples include: "Get out of the way!" "Look out!" "Help!" and "ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod." Can also be a wail of dismay. Often accompanied by wild arm waving.

**Incoherent** - the "Nyaaarraaaaagghhh"
This is a battlecry for those moments when you can't think of anything better to say, you're experiencing a rush that is so intense you can't spare time for syllables, or fear has frozen your tongue to the roof of your mouth. This is a very versatile cry. It can be used to express Joy, Rage, Exultation, Frustration, or Sheer Mindnumbing Terror. As with the Warning, when prompted by unanticipated events, these can be very hard to prescript. In such instances one will often resort to the simpler cries of "Yeaaah!", "Bah!", "Argh!", and "whoaaa!" However there are times when a prepared Incoherent cry can be used to great effect, such as the "Eulailailailai!" of The Long Patrol, the Cavalier "Wahoowa!", and of course Goofy's infamous "Woooooohoooohooohoohoo"

**Mockery** - the "Nyanyanya"
This battlecry is used when one rider has outperformed another by pulling off a better trick, by reaching the bottom of the mountain first, or simply by remaining upright, unmangled, and unmaimed for a longer period of time than his opponent. It is very similar to Bravado, but with less narcissism and more inferiority complex. It should be used with caution because the fates have a sense of humor and strangers might not. Examples include "Ha, take that!", "I rule!", "You suck!", and "Booyah!"

**Smug** - the "hmpf"
On second thought, smug battle cries are very hard to hear. Let's skip those.

**Triumph** - the "ALLLLLLLLLRRRRRIIIIIIGGGGHHHT!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is the finishing cry, for those times when a rider has just accomplished some spectacular feat against all odds, such as a rail slide, a tough jump, or reaching the bottom of the mountain relatively intact. The sentiment expressed is equivalent to "That mountain just tried to knock me over, but it DIDN'T. It's roughly a million times my size, and I beat it. HA! I survived! Let's do that again." Shorter examples include "Yes!", "Sweet!", "I did it!", "That completely rocked!", "Bring it on!", and "Aaawwwwww Yeaaaahhhh, Baby!" No matter how tempting it is, one should always refrain from shouting "I am the king of the world!" if at all possible

These categories and the examples provided should serve as a useful starting place for those of you who wish to craft your own snowboarding battlecries. Now I must attend to my own hollers. Look out world, here I come.