TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

You know what the problem with today's society is? No quality control when it comes to naming holidays. None. Used to be you had to get martyred, rule an empire, or declare national independence in order to create a new holiday. Then Hallmark got into the fray and started naming their own holidays. Even that wasn't so bad. See, Hallmark recognized the need to keep the holidays distinct in time as well as theme. Who would buy new cards if they could still use the old ones, or if they had just bought cards for a different holiday the week before? So Hallmark didn't push too hard. They created a few well-spread holidays and concentrated on making celebration of each one important, crucial even, to the fabric of our relationships. Insidious bastards, but at least these new holidays were well decorated.

The trouble really started when the lobbyists caught on to what Hallmark was doing. That was the beginning of the end. Soon everyone (activists, special interests, organizations, fan clubs, neighborhood watch groups) was clambering for a holiday to recognize their favorite hero/founder/animal/meal/hobby/TV show/personal-grooming-device. I've been doing some research on this and am constantly amazed at the sheer number of subjects people feel compelled to celebrate. A few examples: Bagel Day, Ballet Day, Inventor's Day, Girl Scout Thinking Day (okay, I understand "Girl Scout Day" but why "Girl Scout THINKING Day"?), American Pie Day and Eat Right Day (these two are, interestingly enough, on the same day), Laugh and Grow Rich Day (one of my favorites, though I have yet to figure out how to celebrate it properly), Give Away Pennies Day, Ferris Wheel Day, Dump-a-Jerk Day, Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day (your guess is as good as mine), and (another personal favorite) Public Sleeping Day. And that's just February. Now how are the legitimate holidays supposed to compete with this inundation? How is a national treasure like Groundhog's Day to rise above the morass of home-grown holidays and still retain its former dignity and shine? It will be difficult, I tell you, and Groundhog's Day will not be the only holiday to suffer.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking we don't HAVE to celebrate these holidays and, if I hadn't told you, you wouldn't have known most of them existed. For purposes of moral clarity I am going to ignore the second part of your argument. I will however address the first part by asking this question: What about the holidays that inflict themselves upon others? Like Hoodie-Hoo Day. Those who celebrate this holiday are supposed to walk out of their houses at noon and shout "Hoodie-hoo!" as loud as they can in a concerted national effort to scare away winter. I don't know about winter, but it might scare me if my neighbors tried this. "Well, that's just one holiday," you say. Yes, but there are more! That's my point. For every Hoodie-hoo Day (February 20th) there's a Pop Goes the Weasel Day (June 14th), a "Yell Fudge at Cobras Day" (June 2nd - whoever dedicated this holiday was under the impression that cobras are mortally afraid of fudge and will flee at its mere mention), and a Kick Butts Day (April 4th). Okay so that last one might be fun, but you get my point. This insanity has already gone too far and it will only get worse unless we do something about it. So I propose this: anyone that Hoodie-hoos, you smack. Doesn't have to be hard, just a warning smack will do. Then they won't do it again, and hopefully (if you explain your reasons well enough) they'll think twice about some of those other days, too. The more people we can get involved in this plan, the better it will work. In fact, to increase national awareness of the event, I think I'll make it a holiday.