BRAKE FOR BRUCE

My friend Bruce is a large man. He is, you could say, larger than most people. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Bruce knows this. It is something he takes into account in his actions, like moving through crowds. Bruce wades through crowds. He doesn't push or shove, he just walks forward and those who notice him automatically get out of his way. I, being a somewhat smaller individual, do not have this imposing influence upon others. Those who do notice me rarely feel any primitive compulsion to move aside. When it comes to crowds, I don't wade through so much as slip between. Or I just follow Bruce, which is generally easier. It's nice to have a large friend. There are other times, however, when it is vaguely alarming. For instance, crossing roads.

Bruce, for some reason, appears to have come to the conclusion that since he is bigger than most drivers he must also be bigger than most cars. He doesn't generally challenge semis on this and he'll usually concede some of the larger SUV's, but for the most part, when it comes to crossing the road, Bruce tends to walk first and look later, or not look at all. His concept of the right-of-way laws (and here I am paraphrasing an actual comment) is that A) right-of-way laws are absolute and everyone WILL stop when they are supposed to and B) he always has the right of way ("All others are number two or lower"). He has told me on multiple occasions, when I try to debate this point with him, that he is likely to do more damage to the cars than they are to him anyway, so it's up for them to watch out for HIM. Now, like I have said, Bruce is a big guy, but he's not THAT big. Thus far, however, his philosophy has not been challenged. For a variety of reasons, which I think might have more to do with insurance premiums than any fear of Bruce, every car he was walked in front of has stopped without hitting him.

I have another friend, this one named Mike (which doesn't tell you much, since most of my friends appear to be named Mike), who has been hit by a car, even though he was doing all the right things at the time. He was in a crosswalk, and had the walk signal. All the cars were stopped. Theoretically, he should have been safe. About halfway across however, Mike notices that the car to his right is verrry slowly rolling forward. Mike turns, looks at the driver, meets his eyes, and gives him a Look. (Those of you who know which Mike I am referring to will know what I am talking about when I say "a Look." The rest of you should just feel free to make something up). The driver looks back at Mike, notices him, and completely fails to stop rolling forward until after he has already bumped into Mike's shins. Mike was shocked, but unhurt. The driver was still oblivious. For his pains, Mike (and through him, his friends) got an amusing story to tell. We have no idea what happened to the driver, but we're hoping reality has caught up to him by now.

So, quick recap: Mike stays in the crosswalk, waits for the walk signal, waits for cars to stop, and still gets hit by a car (albeit very softly). Bruce crosses where and when he pleases, ignores oncoming traffic, and gets off scott-free. Maybe Bruce has something there. I think, though, that I'll wait to see the results of a few more trials before taking up the practice myself.