NO GIRLS ALLOWED

My roommate is getting married and it is my privilege, honor, and absolute joy to be in charge of the bachelor party. Good stuff. I have attended a few and I have planned one once before. Well, one and a half. The “one” went really well. The “half” was not quite as spectacular. My roommate and I collaborated on that one when we found out that the Best Man had no intention of doing so. Unfortunately, we only noticed this omission about a week before the wedding and were forced to hold the event on a Thursday evening before a Saturday wedding with only about two days to actually plan. It was small, but intense. The groom was still hung over at the rehearsal dinner. The bride has not forgiven us for that one. She fails to appreciate that we gave the groom a whole day longer to recuperate than his father received when he did his bachelor party. Being hung-over at the rehearsal dinner is much much better than being hung-over at the wedding itself.

After witnessing the effects of that bachelor party (on both the groom AND my roommate), my roommate’s fiancée made us promise (several times) to keep my roommate sober in the 48 hours prior to the wedding. I find this interesting because our other friend’s wife has made him promise to do the exact opposite. She would consider it fitting revenge to see my roommate hung-over at his own rehearsal dinner (see, I told you she still hasn’t forgiven us). How that will play out, I do not know, but I cannot wait to find out. As far as the official bachelor party is concerned, we are keeping the first promise. We are, in fact, holding the bachelor party a week before even the bachelorette party. But that’s okay, because our party will be better.

My roommate’s fiancée is beginning to get worried. She wants more time with him that weekend. She wants to make sure he’s safe. She wants to know what is going on. She’s getting none of it. Ordinarily, I’m a pretty decent fellow. I do, in fact, feel a little guilty that she is getting nervous about this. But this is a bachelor party. The entire point of the bachelor party is to take the groom away from the bride, to raucously establish his masculine independence. So if the bride is worried, good. I’m not going to console her. I’m not going to reassure her. I will promise we won’t intend to do any permanent damage, but that’s about it.

She’s not alone. There are apparently numerous other women who share her curiosity and, to their chagrin, her ignorance. “But I promise I won’t tell her,” they say. I do not care. Then they threaten or cajole. One girl even stood on my toes and threatened to stay there until I told my secret. I left with a slight limp and she left with nothing. It is my philosophy that no female is to be privy to any of the plans unless her assistance is necessary. And certainly, no female should attend the party unless she is paid for services rendered at said party. Some girls do not this applies to them. “But I’m just like one of the guys…” No, actually, you’re not. Close, maybe, in some behaviors, but lacking a certain something.

The bachelor party is for males and unless you have fulfilled all the requirements to be a male, you may not attend. And blocking your attempts to do so is half the fun.